Of trusting the heart and random thoughts

The heart can be treacherous. When you stop listening to it.
Because the heart is afraid to be hurt too.
At first, the heart will keep talking to you, telling you things and warning you to keep you and itself from being hurt. But as time goes on, it realized that you do not listen.

So it stops talking.

To prevent itself from being hurt further more.

Because knowing that you could have listened and hence avoided the hurt but yet not, hurts the heart even more. So the heart stops talking.
And when you ask it something, it whispers treacherously.
Not because it wants to hurt you.
But because it has forgotten how to speak to you properly.

That's how the heart become treacherous to you.
I have forgotten how to listen to it.
And hence, I listen only to its barely audible whispers. Trying to guess what is it that it tries to tell me.

I was once hurt. And it made me a coward.
A coward who was afraid of pain. Especially the pain that "love" could bring.
I cowered in a corner, afraid to show myself, trying to protect whatever that was intact.
Yesterday, I asked my heart a lot of questions. But I only got vague answers.

Hence I talked to another person. Hoping to get some clear answer.
Here are some insights I have after the conversation and some little thoughts by myself.

I am a person who finds it hard to fall in love. Because once I do, I would want that to be eternity. I believe that I am not the only one. Not the only person pursuing a long-lasting relationship.
But I think I might be slightly more extreme than the average. It is hard for me to get in and out. Because once I get in. I hope not to get out. For it doesn't make any sense, if I am looking for way out, when I wanted to be in. No?

I guess the reason that I am so afraid to be enchanted, is because I am afraid of the possibility of being disenchanted. I am scared to pour my whole into it, only to find a broken part return at one point. Cowardice.
Is that what you mean by "family man", C. Yi? A person who is so into another that he is afraid of the pain that it might brings?
I hope this insight brings me courage to face the pain that life would bring.

I am not ready at all.
I would be a fool to believe otherwise.

JiaJia.
You were a girl that I am always worried about. Because of your naivety and innocence. You seemed to trust people too easily. Hence, I wanted to protect that innocence and trust that you have in people, while trying my best not to let the ugly side of the world corrupts your thoughts.
That's why I am always worried about you.
Worried that one day, when you see the real ugly broken side of the world, you might be disillusioned.
And yet, unknowingly, I became a poison myself to you.
I know that a lot of things have changed since the time we known each other.
And I guess neither you and I can help it.
I tried avoid talking about this for a long time, maybe even secretly hoping that things could be as it was before. But, I think it is time to face it.

A lot of time, I feel like I am interrupting in your life with a sudden phone call or message to you. I sincerely hope that those things did not cause any trouble.
And understand that I do not blame anyone or anything. It's just that things just happen to turn out this way.
Maybe it is for the best?
=)
But I think I will always be glad to know that there will be somebody there to protect you now.
One day, if we do meet again, I hope it would not be awkwardly.
Till that day, I will be praying for you and your world.

And in case the rest of you are wondering why I am suddenly being emotional, I guess I just think it's time to really face myself honestly. And to start looking at others honestly too.
I have blundered through too many times.
I guess, now I have to be clear.
Maybe things are best left gray at times. Maybe not.
Whichever it is. I had made a decision.