Living in the past..

..could both be an anathema and a blessing..

Every night, memories of how I've failed people who have placed their hope on me..including myself..haunt me as I try to sleep..I lay there..turning and tossing..trying to find an explanation...or rather..an excuse to forgive myself of those guilts..to relieve myself of those memories..
To find an answer..so that I can forgive myself..and let go of the past..and once more.."breath the fresh air of freedom"..
Freedom from being haunted by my past guilts..my past wrongs..my past mistakes..
..freedom from my pasts..

And yet, at the same time..I cling on them..I pray to God I'll never forget those memories..I relive them in my memory..every single tiny details of my "failure"..
I want to be reminded of my own guilts..my own mistakes..I want to be reminded..so that I'll never repeat what I did..

I have tried to learn...and forget..
and I've failed..I can't forget my past mistakes..I can't forgive myself of my regrets..

In the end, those memories are the things that have brought me here..to where I'm today..
Is it a blessing?
Or is it a curse?
I can't say for sure..
I'm just living it one day at a time..
I'm just leaving it to Him..